


While I'm not looking

by Shadowsof_thenight



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Death, F/M, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Infinity War spoilers, Sad, as much as those can still be spoilers, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 11:09:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17600183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowsof_thenight/pseuds/Shadowsof_thenight
Summary: Bucky loved you and you loved him, more than anything. Life was good and you were happy. And than Thanos decided to come around.(Song featured in this story is Leave while I'm not looking by Paloma Faith)





	While I'm not looking

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, this does not have a happy ending!  
> This story was something I needed to write, although I'm not sure why...I usually do happy endings.  
> Anyway, hope you like it!

A fight was brewing, you could feel it growing in the air every day. It was obvious that it would be big and it would be bad. There was a huge chance that you would not win. And it scared you more than you could ever explain. Not that you were part of the fight, really you wouldn't be of any help in that department. But he was. The one man that had changed your life. The guy that added colours to it. Bucky Barnes.

When the first signs had appeared, he tried to convince you that he would not join the fight. He had fought enough, suffered enough and he was done. And while you agreed wholeheartedly that he had done enough. And that he should be done, you knew it wasn't who he was. Bucky loved life and he loved humanity far too much to walk away from this fight. Any fight that would decide the fate of the universe, was not one he would or even could turn his back on.

That was something you understood that. You knew who he was and loved every part of him with all your heart. This side of him was just as much part of that as everything else. He knew he was strong, stronger than most and he knew how to fight. You respected him for it. Still, you knew, seeing him leave would be too great a burden too bear. Goodbye was something that would unravel you. And you had said as much. You had told him that you loved him. Knew the choice he had to make. And that you would support him in it. You just weren't strong enough to actually say goodbye to him.

_If this is goodbye_  
_Then you're gonna leave me shattered_

This was why, while you slept soundly that night, Bucky had quietly crawled out of bed. Silently he had been preparing himself to walk away from you. A task that was too daunting to fully register. Instead he focussed on little things. Such as getting dressed, grabbing his gear. Leaving instructions for his goats.

He stood as he watched the sun rays gently licking at your ankles, gradually moving up your legs as the sun rose higher in the sky. The golden light illuminated your beautiful dark skin, creating a beautiful golden glow around it. He was frozen in place, his eyes lingering on you the entire time. He wanted to stay, keep watching you. Stay by your side. Yet he knew he couldn't. Still he stood, a little away from the bed, staring. It had probably been well over an hour before he moved again. And it would not have happened then if he had not seen you stir slightly.

Careful not to wake you, he bend down to kiss your lips one more time, tucking a strand of your braided hair behind your ear as he leaned over you. He watched your lips pout slightly as he pulled away, accentuating your well defined cheekbones, smiling at the subconscious response. He stared at your long lashed as they lay still on your face. He imagined crawling back into bed, waking you. He imagined that he would stay, just one more night. Make love to you. Show you just how much you meant to him. And the images made him smile ruefully. He couldn't stay.

It was hard for him to turn away from you. It was tearing at his heart, knowing that this might very well be the last time he could look at you. He had woken up early to take in as much of you as he could. Trying to memorize every single part of you, every blemish, every perfection. He had never loved anyone as he loved you. And it filled his heart with joy on a normal day, but dread was now taking over as the time to leave was nearing. He knew that if he did not leave now, you would awaken and he had promised to spare you a tearful goodbye.

_So, if you go_  
_Leave while I'm not looking_

Wishing he could say goodbye, he shed a few tears before leaving the hut you had shared together for the past few months. In the barn next to it, his bag was waiting for him and he swiftly grabbed it, without even disturbing the goats, as his tread was light and quiet. Then he quickly walked away from the life he had longed for. The life he wished he could lead. And away from the beautiful lady that had captured his scarred heart.

He thought of your patience, your love and your unwavering faith in him and it warmed his heart. He had not been ready for love when you met, but when did life ever give you anything when you thought it was time? In the end, ready or not, you had been all he had needed. All he wanted. And you had given him hope of a future. Something he had not had in 70 years.

And now he was turning his back on all of it. Breaking both his heart and yours in the process.

_Go silently_  
_So my heart won't know_

When the sun reached your face, your stirred, finally waking up. Groaning as you tried to shield your eyes from the light. The glaring rays disturbed your slumber and hurt your eyes. Groaning as your arm did not help, you shifted to lay on your back. Instinctively your hand reached out beside you, finding the side of the bed, that Bucky usually occupied, cold and empty.

For a single moment you just lay there, expecting him to walk through the door with a bright smile on his beautiful face. You could almost hear the gruff hello he would murmur. Yet, as sleep truly left your mind, you realised he wouldn't. He was gone. Off to join the fight to save the earth as you knew it.

A noble fight and you knew you should feel pride course through you for his sacrifice. Instead you tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes, but it was no use. They quickly spilled over, pulling a sob from your throat as they did. It wasn't pride you felt. It was pain, heartbreak and utter devastation. Selfishly, you wished he could have stayed behind. Sit this one out as it were.

_Leave while I'm not looking_  
_'Cause I can't watch you go_

You loved him so much and wished for him to have peace and quiet. You had hoped for a quiet life for him. Days filled with farming and laying around. Lazy days, enjoying life and good company. You had wished him the sun and the moon. You had wanted everything for him. And it broke your heart that he had to give it all up. Give you up.

But you would not give up on the two of you. You would wait. He would fight and he would win. And then he would come back to you. He had too. You loved him after all.

_You're gonna take away_  
_Only all I've ever needed_

Not even a full day later, the invasion began and the king ordered all of his subjects to take refuge in the lower levels of his palace. There, those who could not fight, would be safe. And so here you were, hiding in the damp and dark space, side by side with other farmers, children and elders.

Ramonda had taken it upon herself to look over the people of her country, staying calm and brave and comforting people. All the while you were aware of the fact that both her children and everyone she loved were out there, fighting. Trying to save the world. You could only imagine how she must have been feeling.

After all you were going insane as you imagined Bucky, fighting off some alien life form. And she had to imagine her whole family and all her friends doing so. You locked eyes with her, and offered a small encouraging smile, which she returned.

In the past you had met a few times, through Bucky and Steve, and you had grown to like her. As much as one can like a person so much higher up than yourself. She had been kind and gentle. She had been gracious and welcoming. These were all things that had once made her a very popular queen. And now as the mother of the king, she was still loved by her people.

You watched as she held hands, spoke soft words and joked with people while she walked around the large cellar of sorts. The atmosphere was tense, quiet, but still calm. You knew it was very much due to her aura.  
That was of course, until the first loud crash made the building shake and groan, the foundations struggling under the pressure. Little particles fell down from the ceiling as you glanced up, half expecting the ceiling to have cracked. It hadn't, yet. Uncertain about where the crash had come from, the atmosphere quickly got even more tense. Not knowing was much scarier than anything else.

For a moment you wished you were stronger. A fighter. Just so you could face your demons. Or in this case, the worlds demons. To fight and know what was happening. To be of use. And to see what struck you, instead of sitting here in the dark, unsure of your survival.

_I might die_

A little girl was sat next to you and grabbed your hand as another explosion seemed to shake the air around you. Her dark eyes bore into yours. Her lips quivering from the sobs she was trying to subdue. Her scared and broken features broke your heart. Seeing nobody there to comfort her, you took it upon yourself to hold her close. Telling her it would all be all right. Uncertain if you were convincing her or yourself, you kept her close and pressed a kiss to her temple as she wrapped her arms around your waist, crawling in your lap as she did so. Holding on for dear life as she felt her world fall apart.

Silent tears left your eyes and ran down your cheeks as you held her tight, hoping against all hope that the soothing words you were saying, would come true in the end.

_Have some mercy_  
_You hurt me more than you know_

You weren't sure how long the fights lasted, but when a sudden hush set in the fear gripped at your heart. All around you people were whispering anxiously, unsure if the fight was over, or simple stalled.

It wasn't until the whispered turned into screams of sadness and fright, that you dared to look around. The little girl still holding on to you stirred and looked up with fearful eyes. You weren't sure what was happening yet, the room too crowded and dark to get a look at the commotion, but your senses told you all you needed to know. They had lost. It was not clear yet what the consequences of that loss were, but they would surely reveal themselves soon enough.

_Do it fast_  
_Oh please don't kill me slow_

And they did. All around you people were crying out as they slowly disappeared, turning to dust as they reached out to their loved ones. Your heart stopped as the air became so thick and you felt like you were suffocating.

The grip the little girl had on you loosened as she got up from the ground and looked around the room. Screaming loudly as fear overcame her. A cry left your lips as you saw her standing there. She had not noticed yet, but her own arms were slowly disintegrating. She looked back at you, silent, as you saw realisation hit her. She was dying.

“Please, help me” she whispered and you quickly tried to grab her, but it was futile. She was gone. As were many of the people you had been hiding with. People you knew, people you grew up with. Children, elders and workers alike.

_Leave while I'm not looking_

Ramonda urged everyone to stay put as she quickly ran from the room and up the stairs at the end of it. You assumed she was trying to assess the situation, as best she could.

Curling up into a ball in a corner of the room, you cried in silence as you watched panic and pain take over everyone around you. They had lost the fight. And who would be left? Where was Bucky? Was he okay? Was he dead? Did he turn to dust? Or would you be able to run into his arms in a little bit? You didn't know, but fear was taking over as you were lost in thought. Would he have survived? And even if he did, would he be able to overcome that?

_Go silently_  
_So my heart won't know_

For the next two days, life went by in a blur. You went home and found the goats grazing in the grass by your hut. Calmly, like nothing had happened. The sight brought tears back in full force. You glanced around and sighed deeply. Sitting down in the grass, you allowed the emotions to overwhelm you. Letting it all out as you suddenly knew, he wasn't coming back. If he had survived, he would have been here already. Bucky would never keep you waiting.

_Leave while I'm not looking_  
_'Cause I can't stand to see you go_

Not long after that you could hear footsteps coming your way and you looked up at the face of none other than Captain America. His solemn face confirming everything your gut had already told you. Getting up from the ground you placed a hand on his cheek, tears falling from his eyes.

“He's gone” Steve whispered and you pulled him into a hug, allowing him to fall apart. Which he did. When the crying finally ceased he stepped back and looked at you with a new determination.

“We will fix this” he said, sounding convinced and you nodded with a smile of encouragement, wanting very much to believe him.

_Leave while I'm not looking_  
_'Cause I can't stand to see you go_

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for this. Hopefully I can add another part to this after the next movie.  
> Let me know what you think! I really struggled with the ending because I needed at least a tiny sliver of hope.
> 
> p.s. the editing was rushed so if you see mistakes, let me know.


End file.
